hooo boy I talk too much about nothing

I want to destroy myself.

not in the sense that I would do something to hurt myself or kill myself. I don’t want to do that. I just want to tear myself down. I want to start over. I want to take almost everything I’m familiar with and rip it to shreds or get rid of it entirely. 

I guess this is some of what I’d like to do, in bullet format:

• do something entirely different with my hair
• change my entire wardrobe
• change my body (not in a dangerous way, mind you)
• revamp my personality, in some parts
• get some tattoos
• get more piercings
• take chances
• stop thinking so much (so maybe have more impulse)

I don’t really know, it sounds pretty generic. but I just want to be different. like I don’t know if I’m trying to run away from something, like myself. I don’t know. I’m not exactly happy or comfortable with myself. or maybe I’m too comfortable. life is so mundane.

I’m thinking if I end up getting promoted at work at some point, I won’t have time between that and school to really worry so much about it. but in the meantime, I just want to do something radical. I just want to change entirely. I don’t want to be a different person, exactly. I want to be me. but changed. I want to change from a cucumber to a pickle. I mean, it’s the same thing, but also really different.

that is a shitty metaphor. fuck it, it’s 1 a.m.

I just really need to change things. I kind of feel like I’m drowning. is it normal to want to have such a big change? I don’t know if people get bored of themselves and change, or what. I guess I’m bored of myself. I don’t know. I only know I need to change.

except I just want to do it in such a big, dramatic way. destroy myself. and then rebuild. I think I need money for this. I have none of that. but maybe I will later.

I have time. 

I don’t even know how I would destroy myself. I always imagined that I would end up cutting all over and getting really drunk and high and prescription drugs everywhere, and then in the morning, well, I would start from there. but I can’t do that. so I don’t know how to destroy myself in a non-destructive way.

doesn’t seem very possible.

I just want to do something. something, anything, that I would note as the start of something beautiful new. something big, something that would be definitive. 

I’m pretty bad at this. I think I’m gonna sleep on this. literally.